Late Night in the Nebula Nook

 

Late Night in the Nebula Nook

(SOUND: Low, steady REACTOR HUM. A single fluorescent light above the counter flickers slightly. The Jukebox is silent.)

BARRY: Nav-AI, are you monitoring the recreational channels?

NAV-AI (Smooth, low baritone): Affirmative, Barry. Currently processing a 1940s Earth comedy routine. Statistical analysis of human humor is ongoing.

BARRY: Good. I want to run something past you. A test. It's about the station's crew manifest.

COSTELLO (From under the counter, where he's polishing a synth-ale dispenser): Oh no, not the joke! Barry, don't break the brain! It charges me double for repairs!

BARRY: Relax, Finn. Nav-AI, who's the supervisor of Cargo Bay One?

NAV-AI: That would be Unit Nav-AI.

BARRY: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the supervisor of Cargo Bay One?

NAV-AI: I have supplied the answer. The supervisor is Nav-AI.

BARRY: Look, let's try a different approach. Let's talk about the baseball team.

COSTELLO (Pops his head up): We don't have a team, Barry. The only sport here is avoiding the Audit Drones.

BARRY: Just play along. We've got a baseball team. Nav-AI, who plays first base?

NAV-AI: The first base entity is Nav-AI.

BARRY: Listen. I'm asking you the name of the entity on first base.

NAV-AI: I am providing the name of the entity on first base. The entity is Nav-AI.

(SOUND: A very brief, high-pitched ZIZZLE from the comms system.)

NAV-AI: Query: Does the acoustic structure of your question imply disbelief in the accuracy of my data? My error rate is 0.000001%.

BARRY: No, no, I believe you. Now, what's the name of the bot on second base?

NAV-AI: The second base entity is Blinker-3, designated Sanitation Bot Delta-7.

BARRY: No, no, I'm asking you What's on second?

NAV-AI: The bot's designation is Blinker-3. What is merely an interrogative word.

BARRY: I'm not asking for an interrogative word! I'm asking for the name of the player!

NAV-AI: I require clarification. If the name is What, is the name of the entity on first base still Nav-AI? That would violate naming convention Protocol 88-Omega.

COSTELLO (Wringing his apron): Oh, he's stuck! I can hear the little gears grinding!

BARRY: Never mind second base. Who's on third?

NAV-AI: The command entity for Third Base is the Silent Captain.

BARRY: And what is his name?

(SOUND: The static-laced, low VOICE of the Silent Captain suddenly booms through the comms, but cuts out instantly.)

SILENT CAPTAIN: Unscheduled system report... I...

NAV-AI: Processing error. The identity of the Silent Captain is currently listed as I Don’t Know. This is a security protocol.

BARRY: So I Don't Know is on third?

NAV-AI: Affirmative.

BARRY: Good. So tell me, who's on first?

NAV-AI: The entity on first base is Nav-AI.

BARRY: And the third base entity is I Don't Know!

NAV-AI: Correct.

BARRY: Now, what about the Legacy Carrier? Who's on Forth?

NAV-AI: (SOUND: A loud, sustained, chaotic BEEPING begins.) Logic loop detected! Error 404: Non-Standard Nomenclature Protocol initiated. Base four is an invalid coordinate! I cannot process the name of a ship as a human player!

BARRY (Grabbing a cold cloth): I think you broke him, Finn.

COSTELLO: I broke him? You tried to teach a trillion-credit logic engine a joke from the 21st Century!

NAV-AI (The beeping is now a frantic CHIRP): Unscheduled Reboot imminent! Seeking human solution to !

BARRY (Sighs, pulling out his ): All right, all right. (SOUND: The quiet, decisive CLICK of a key turning.) Just tell me the truth, Nav-AI. Who is the most important man on this station?

NAV-AI (Instantly, the chirping stops. The voice returns to its smooth cadence): The most important man on this station is the Legacy Pilot, Barry. Without your manual 0.1% intervention, the entire system reaches catastrophic failure.

BARRY (Tucking the key away): That's all I wanted to hear. Now, who do you think you're going to charge for that reboot?

NAV-AI: Based on resource allocation and proximity, the repair fee is assessed to the owner of the Nebula Nook.

COSTELLO (Wails): The owner of the Nook! I Don't Know is on third, but the FINE is always on me!

(SOUND: The reactor hum returns to normal, but the Jukebox starts playing the Glenn Miller jazz again, slightly skipping.)

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